I don't advertise this blog much. Not for fear of judgment. Mainly, right now anyway, for the mere fact that it's not updated as often as I'd like it to be. There's plenty for me to talk about. Some personal, some social. I have to stop using "no time" as an excuse. Even though I'm juggling two jobs and a five year old son, there's always time. If other writers can do it, so should I. And to be honest, those two jobs are not necessarily a day-to-day gig. Nonetheless, there is plenty to catch up on, but I cannot divulge everything. At least not right now, out of respect for those involved.
If you follow or friend me on Facebook, you may know that my husband Louis and I have announced our divorce plans. If this is the first you're hearing of it, then here you are. We're not going to put each other on blast for everything that culminated to this decision. Frankly because we're just tired of arguing. The bottom line is that we're no longer in love and the marriage had been in trouble for quite some time. A lot of our family and friends were none the wiser, and we grew tired of living a lie. That is the reason we decided to put it out there so publicly on Facebook so that no one would be shocked or freaking out wondering if something major happened once they started realizing Louis and I making plans to be on our own, separately.
The first major move has already happened, that being Louis moving out. He found a transitional housing program for veteran's that will assist in getting him his own place with financial assistance, and help getting a better job as well. I didn't kick him out, he chose to leave. It was for the better for him. Aside from the benefits this program can bring him, he wasn't getting along very well with my mother. And even though we thought it would've eased tensions, it somehow only made things worse. Again, I cannot get into too much detail. But part of the remaining tension is due to her attitude over certain things. My father and I can't get her to just ease back and let me handle this. It's MY divorce, not hers. And just because I'm divorcing him doesn't mean we've seen the last of him. He still has a right to see his son, and there's no reason for me to deny him that. Louis is going to be a part of my family as long as this boy is under our care.
If that wasn't enough, the other problem is Austin's reaction to all of this. I'm not gonna sugar coat things and say that he's doing fine. He's not completely fine, but he's not helpless. Of course the first week was pretty drastic for him getting used to daddy not sleeping in our room anymore. For now we've just explained to him that daddy has to stay at a house with other men who need help getting their own home. He told Austin that he's working to make a better future for all of us. It's partly true. But he won't understand the other specifics because he's just too young. This explanation is fine for now. I don't know when or how we'll explain that we won't be married anymore. That part will be the most difficult. I don't know if Austin will understand it hard enough to think he did something wrong, as most children of divorce tend to do. He'll be six this fall. Usually older children tend to think that way. But this little boy is pretty smart, so there's no telling how he'll react. We'll just have to prepare to deal with whatever happens.
For now, Austin has his good days and bad days. I'm starting to get a major taste of single motherhood having him here 100% of the time for now. It's only because Louis can't take him to stay overnight at his housing, so this is what it is until he gets his own place. And again, it's not like Louis can't take him out every so often, which he does. I'm not complaining about anything though. Things are going to take time until they get settled and into some sort of routine. As long as we remain focused on tending to Austin and making him as comfortable as possible, this transition will work itself out. My only problem is when that certain person in this house has to nitpick and make remarks about every little thing that happens. Which leads me to the conclusion that it is time for me to get out on my own. I appreciate that my parents are willing to help me for as long as I need it. But it's time for me to go. I've already begun to make moves into doing so. Again, it's something that's going to take time, but it'll be well worth it.
Getting back to that single motherhood thing.. When I do have time to myself, of course it's wonderful. I have time to relax, time to ponder, time to cry if I need to, time to watch The Real Housewives uninterrupted, and time to just enjoy. There's one less person to cook for, one less load of laundry. Yet strangely enough, it doesn't faze me. It's welcoming. I mean no offense to Louis of course, but I'm sure he feels the same way when he gets some time to himself as well. And it's not to say I'll dread having to start sharing again in the future when someone else comes along. It's just a good feeling for now. It's just being single again, no biggie. I just have an extra responsibility now with the little guy, but it's okay.
The future, what will become? One would naturally ask me if I'm looking forward to dating again. Of course I am. But it's not so that I can get so involved that I'll forget about my responsibilities. And I'm not necessarily going to be out on the prowl right away. I'm just looking forward to having some fun if someone comes along. There's no need to rush into anything serious. I think I deserve to have a little fun after spending so much time being miserable. I know I've never dated while being a mother, but I think I can learn from other women who I've seen do it to know what's right and wrong. It's not a quest to find Austin's new daddy. If I meet someone, so be it. But don't expect to see my picture up on any dating websites or adding tons of random dudes on Facebook. That's not my style. Whether or not I marry again is another question I'll leave up to destiny. I've been through enough to realize that some things just can't be expected. And I'll still be fine with it. As long as I have somebody true down the road, I'll be happy.
Maybe one day I can fill everyone in on the details that seem questionable right now. But for now I'm going to use this platform as much and best as possible to share my experiences. Who knows, maybe I can make something of that book I've always dreamed of writing one day.
