Roller Coaster

On the outside, I look great. I'm doing better than expected, some would say. Of course, because it's all on the outside. Just like anyone else, I could be hiding bottling up a plethora of emotions. It's a roller coaster, and there's no telling when it will slow down and stop.

One day I'll be insanely angry at my mother for something she said. The next day Louis may have pissed me off for some reason that will have me cursing his name until I've cooled off. And then in between, I'll be back to normal with each of them. Thoughts of failure always enter my mind and some instances of regret as well because I'll ask myself how could I have been so stupid to get taken for a ride by his bullshit after several years. I'll think about how disappointed I am in him and myself at the fact that we just couldn't get out of my parents house, because that definitely put a damper on everything. Never would I have expected things to turn out as bad as they have in my life. It's definitely frustrating, but somehow I'm grinning and bearing through it. Nonetheless, I seriously fear that I am suffering some form of depression as a result of all of that. Because when these occurrences commence, I notice little things I'll do, like unconsciously overeating or having a terrible lack of energy. I also tend to stay up late or sometimes just can't get to sleep even if I try. I feel like the only time I'm happy is when I'm out somewhere with Austin, or as crazy as it may be to admit, when I'm working at the stadium. I love the people and environment I work with, and although there are small annoyances on the job dealing with rude guests, it's nothing that can't get swept away within a short amount of time. I'm afraid to find out if something is wrong with me internally. But then again, I'm Latina, and we don't usually seek professional help for these sort of things in our culture. Probably because prescription drugs tend to be part of the answer. And secondly, well we were just raised to suck the shit up and move on. Tomorrow's another day. Get over it. That's certainly something my mother says when the subject of Louis' anxiety and depression issues are brought up. Well the sad fact of the matter is that some people just can't get over it. That, or it's gonna take some work.

Everyone is asking if I'm prepared for the emotions of Austin going to his first day of Kindergarten. Of course I have emotions. But I'm not sad. I'm excited for him, a little nervous of course at the same time as well. And I know he's a great kid and has so much confidence that he'll do just fine. I think the fact that he had two years of preschool made it that much easier for him and I. So I'm actually looking forward to him having a longer school day, five days a week. It'll do him some great good, and it'll give me a break in between as well. I know deep down he's suffering from the effects of this divorce, but it's hard sometimes to get things out of a 5-year-old dealing with this. I just hope him getting back into the school routine and eventually starting Little League will help him deal better. He'll still be upset that daddy isn't living here anymore. But at least he'll have all of this activity to distract him. Somehow in the middle of all of this, I know we have to explain to him that mommy and daddy aren't going to be married anymore. 

Of course divorce is a roller coaster, but it's not exactly fun. The ups are highs when your feeling of freedom overwhelms you, or when you meet a cute guy and get all giddy at the notion that "you still got it." The dips and turns are the lows when you get mad at something he did or forgot that you have to work and still decided to take another shift at his job when it really wasn't necessary, or he blew his check without considering that you two still have one last cell phone bill to clean up. So how do we get off the damn ride? Well, technically probably not until those papers are finalized. But there's bound to be more issues once each of you can officially call yourself divorced. Especially and always when children are involved. I just hope Louis and I can continue to work together and not let anything or anyone else get in our way. All we can do is hope for the best. 

The Best I Can Do?

Juggling schedules is something every family experiences. My family is no different, except for maybe a few minor significance in that mine is and will be a divorced family. But so far Louis and I are doing just fine when it comes to setting schedules. Our only problem is my mother. She always has something to say and it usually causes tension. You would think she's the one going through the divorce.

Due to my strained financial situation, I live with my parents, along with Austin. The divorce isn't necessarily causing my financial strain. Those problems were happening all the while during my marriage. It's frustrating because it's bad enough that I'm embarrassed to have to admit that I'm still living with my parents. But it is what it is and I'm working on getting out of here. I also don't drive because I don't have a car, so my parents will help me get wherever I need to if it's possible. I never complain if I can't get a ride to work one day or the next for whatever reason. I manage and use the bus if I have to. Right now I'm working two part time jobs, one at Angel Stadium and the other at Ulta. The stadium is more consistent during the summer and mostly night shifts because of the games. Ulta is limited to 2 days a week, about 4-8 hours. I know it's not the greatest, but it's what I've got.

This is my second season with the Angels, and of course it does put a damper on any possible summer vacations. But given the circumstances this year, it was a bit more difficult to be able to plan something and take Austin somewhere for an experience. But it's not like he complained. We've done what we could even if it's the little things, like trips to the movies, a visit to Disneyland, and we just took him to WWE Summerslam as well. When were not working, we are with him. He always comes first. And if we have to work a little harder at times to take care of him and our responsibilities, he understands that. But for some reason, my mother seems to think otherwise. Especially when there are nights that I'm at the stadium and Austin won't go to sleep at a decent hour. He's a kid, he's gonna act up sometimes. I've told her many times that if she and my dad don't want to get him to bed on my work nights then I could have Louis spend the night to take care of him. But she doesn't wasn't Louis here overnight. So my parents ended up helping me a lot this summer, which I greatly appreciate. What I don't understand and what upsets me is that I have to get dumped on every once in a while for apparently working too much. If you're gonna offer to help me with my son, don't complain and take bullshit out on me when you get a little frustrated with him for some reason. It's only her that has done this, my father hasn't complained. He understands what Louis and I are going through and trying to do.

So now the baseball season is coming to an end and Austin is starting Kindergarten on Monday. There's a week-long homestand next week as well, so I have to be there for at least five games. Louis also starts school next week, and he works at the school veterans center. So last night we had to discuss pick up arrangements for Austin. Louis and I worked it out, but no sooner did I let my mom know that she started up with her comments. She's of the opinion that Louis and I are too consumed with ourselves that we don't consider Austin and put him first. Excuse me?! Did I not just say that we figured out a plan for next week so that Austin doesn't have to get put into daycare or an after school program?? And it's one flipping week. I'll be off from the stadium for about a week and a half, and then there's one more 10-day homestand in September. We'll work out another arrangement when it comes time for it. And then yes, the Angels are hosting a Wild Card Playoff hand Sept. 30. Again, we'll figure that out when the time comes. Those games won't be as prolonged as a regular season schedule, and it all depends on how far they advance. They will be night games. And Louis' classes are mainly during the day, so it's not that difficult to figure something out. The other remark she made was that she thinks Louis and I didn't thoroughly think things through when we decided to file for this divorce when it comes to caring for Austin. If anything that was the first concern we had. Part of it unfortunately culminated in Louis choosing to move out in June. Of course Austin didn't take it very well, and he's still struggling.  But he's getting by. He has his good days and bad days, it's expected. But I did not ask Louis to move out. He was very uncomfortable with the tension between him and my mother. I did not want it to affect our situation any further than it was already, so he felt it would be best for him to move out. Of course, the drawback with him being in that transitional veterans housing means he can't take Austin to stay overnight with him. But once he gets his own place, this will all work out better. We're just having to deal with the circumstances temporarily. And it appears to be wearing on my mother. That's understandable. But we don't need to be given grief for things that we can't change or make work faster. And no matter what she says, if Louis stayed through till the end of the baseball season to be able to be here more often, she still would've been pissed off and frustrated with his presence. We've learned a long time ago that she's never satisfied. She doesn't have to like Louis, but she should respect that he's Austin's father and that he's gonna be his father for the rest of his life. She should also be glad that he's still in the picture. Things could be so much worse if he'd just up and left me in the dust with no help at all.

Granted, our marriage went through many ups and downs, especially when it came to money and responsibilities. Louis may have screwed up royally on his end, but he knows he has to buck up to his responsibilities now more than ever for Austin's sake. Our relationship suffered and we've decided to bring it to an end. But we have not forgotten that we still have a son to take care of. We may be limited on our abilities right at this moment, but we're doing the best we can. I would love to go back to school and finish my degree so that I can get a better job, one job at that. But I can't afford to tack on more debt to myself, and scheduling would be another issue. Even for that I know my mother would give me grief. She'll find a way to say that it's taking away time from Austin. I have tried searching for more steady work with a regular schedule.  But I'm not getting any calls back for an interview.  Nothing I can do about that.  So what am I supposed to do? Does all of that make me a bad mother? She never made that comment, but the way she tears into me sure makes me feel like it sometimes.

I know my job with AEG (Angel Stadium) isn't quite steady. But there's opportunity to grow in the company. So I've decided that I'm going to continue working towards moving up with them, as there is much more to AEG than Angel Stadium. I realize the lack of a college degree may make it difficult. But I'm going to see what I can do, and I will continue to be open to any other opportunities that may come along elsewhere. Ulta has the ability to grow as well. But again, that will take time if I want that. Personally I would like to see myself more with AEG because it's the kind of company I've always wanted to work for and find the ability to get away from retail. I've made my presence known, so I'm sure something can come along in the future. Louis is nearly done with his Associate's degree and will be more employable in his field once that happens. He and I are fine on the arrangements right now and realize we just have to be patient and remain focused on working towards our goals.

I just wish my mother would understand this somehow. If anyone should, it should be her. She and my father worked full-time all of their lives, so Richard and I were always in the care of someone else for the majority of our days since birth. No complaints ever, we know our parents did what they had to do and we turned out just fine. I could sit here and judge her for going straight back to work as soon as she was medically cleared to after I was born, and the fact that their jobs prevented them from having me at home during the week which meant I had to spend weeks at a time with my grandmother. But I would never judge them or anyone else who has had to deal with something similar. Like I said, Richard and I grew up just fine with the arrangement we had. We always had family around us and we were well cared for. Now it appears Louis and I are having the same with our son. Granted we may not have as much family as I did available to help us from time to time. But it's manageable, not impossible. This is a normal part of life that many families go through, married or not. I just can't understand why she can't just let bygones be bygones and let Louis and I work this out. It seems as though she's really letting her negative opinion of him cloud her judgement and constantly feel like she has to make remarks. Like I said, never satisfied.

Once I can get Austin and I out on our own, none of what she thinks will matter. If he's being properly cared for, then that's all that matters. But until then, I don't think I deserve to be bashed for trying. I can't sit here and do nothing with my life and just wait till he graduates high school. What good will that be for Austin, or even myself? I feel as though she has constantly judged me on so many things since the day he was born. Louis can attest to that. But I don't personally feel as though I've done anything wrong in raising and caring for him. I cannot find one thing that validates her to make judgments on my role as a mother. She may disagree in that it's like she is passing judgment on me. But she never realizes how much some of her words cut. I wouldn't be feeling this way if we never had to live with my parents all of this time. But I was dealt the hand I was given, and I've just had to learn to live with it. I think the only way she's going to stop is when she sees that we're going to work through this divorced family life and come out positive, despite what she or anyone thinks or says. Proving someone wrong is the ultimate. I am now more than ever determined to make that happen for my life.