On the outside, I look great. I'm doing better than expected, some would say. Of course, because it's all on the outside. Just like anyone else, I could be
One day I'll be insanely angry at my mother for something she said. The next day Louis may have pissed me off for some reason that will have me cursing his name until I've cooled off. And then in between, I'll be back to normal with each of them. Thoughts of failure always enter my mind and some instances of regret as well because I'll ask myself how could I have been so stupid to get taken for a ride by his bullshit after several years. I'll think about how disappointed I am in him and myself at the fact that we just couldn't get out of my parents house, because that definitely put a damper on everything. Never would I have expected things to turn out as bad as they have in my life. It's definitely frustrating, but somehow I'm grinning and bearing through it. Nonetheless, I seriously fear that I am suffering some form of depression as a result of all of that. Because when these occurrences commence, I notice little things I'll do, like unconsciously overeating or having a terrible lack of energy. I also tend to stay up late or sometimes just can't get to sleep even if I try. I feel like the only time I'm happy is when I'm out somewhere with Austin, or as crazy as it may be to admit, when I'm working at the stadium. I love the people and environment I work with, and although there are small annoyances on the job dealing with rude guests, it's nothing that can't get swept away within a short amount of time. I'm afraid to find out if something is wrong with me internally. But then again, I'm Latina, and we don't usually seek professional help for these sort of things in our culture. Probably because prescription drugs tend to be part of the answer. And secondly, well we were just raised to suck the shit up and move on. Tomorrow's another day. Get over it. That's certainly something my mother says when the subject of Louis' anxiety and depression issues are brought up. Well the sad fact of the matter is that some people just can't get over it. That, or it's gonna take some work.
Everyone is asking if I'm prepared for the emotions of Austin going to his first day of Kindergarten. Of course I have emotions. But I'm not sad. I'm excited for him, a little nervous of course at the same time as well. And I know he's a great kid and has so much confidence that he'll do just fine. I think the fact that he had two years of preschool made it that much easier for him and I. So I'm actually looking forward to him having a longer school day, five days a week. It'll do him some great good, and it'll give me a break in between as well. I know deep down he's suffering from the effects of this divorce, but it's hard sometimes to get things out of a 5-year-old dealing with this. I just hope him getting back into the school routine and eventually starting Little League will help him deal better. He'll still be upset that daddy isn't living here anymore. But at least he'll have all of this activity to distract him. Somehow in the middle of all of this, I know we have to explain to him that mommy and daddy aren't going to be married anymore.
Of course divorce is a roller coaster, but it's not exactly fun. The ups are highs when your feeling of freedom overwhelms you, or when you meet a cute guy and get all giddy at the notion that "you still got it." The dips and turns are the lows when you get mad at something he did or forgot that you have to work and still decided to take another shift at his job when it really wasn't necessary, or he blew his check without considering that you two still have one last cell phone bill to clean up. So how do we get off the damn ride? Well, technically probably not until those papers are finalized. But there's bound to be more issues once each of you can officially call yourself divorced. Especially and always when children are involved. I just hope Louis and I can continue to work together and not let anything or anyone else get in our way. All we can do is hope for the best.
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